Wild Things: one movie you definitely wouldn’t want to watch with your parents.

Here’s a situation where privacy matters:  watching movies with your parents.  A scene that might not make you think twice when you’re in the privacy of your own room or hanging out with your friends could be the most awkward experience ever when you add mom or dad to the equation.  Even if you’re one of those people who says, “I don’t care about privacy; I have nothing to hide” (which isn’t a valid argument, by the way), there are still certain films or scenes that you just don’t want to watch with your parents (unless you’re a fan of extreme social discomfort).

To spare you the pain, here’s a list of the top ten movies to avoid watching with your parents.  Of course, we can’t help you if they happen to walk in during a bad moment (and doesn’t it seem like they always do?), so watch those doors.  Some guidelines:

• We’re only including mainstream, wide-release movies on our list, and we’re excluding indies, horror, gore, exploitation, porn, and other genres that go for shock or titillation by definition.
• We’re also avoiding movies that are known almost exclusively for being erotic, like “Unfaithful.” We’re focusing instead on movies with scenes that can sneak up on you; scenes that you wouldn’t necessarily expect to pop up when you’re sitting down with mom and dad.
• We’re sticking to US releases in English (just because these are what we know).

If we didn’t have these guidelines, something like “Irreversible” or “A Serbian Film” would probably be at number 1.  *Cringe.*

Without further ado, here are…

The top 10 movies you don’t want to watch with your parents

(WARNING:  SPOILER ALERT)

10.  American Psycho

It’s a great movie, but it’s got uncomfortable scenes involving prostitutes and Christian Bale flexing and pointing at himself in the mirror while he’s, uh, on the job.  And we don’t mean the investment banking one.  Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to return some videotapes.

I like to dissect girls. Did you know I’m utterly insane?

9.  Mulholland Drive

It’s bizarre and complex in typical David Lynch fashion, and it has some pretty graphic lesbian sex scenes between Naomi Watts and Laura Harring.  You might find yourself watching it with the ‘rents because it’s a well-known “see if you can figure out what on earth is going on” film.  It’s film school complicated with surprise sex on top.

It’ll be just like in the movies. Pretending to be somebody else.

8.  Team America:  World Police

Trey Parker and Matt Stone aren’t exactly known for censored, family-friendly stuff, but they make even South Park look tame with an absurd puppet sex scene that spans several minutes and increasingly ridiculous positions.  And whatever you do, don’t watch the unrated version around the parents.  Trust us.

I promise I will NEVER DIE.

7.  Clerks 2

“Clerks 2” isn’t even in the same category as the original when it comes to sexual content (and thus the stuff that makes watching it with your parents super awkward).  The sequel has donkey shows, vaginal trolls, and 16 uses of the phrase “ass-to-mouth.”  But come on:  why would you ever watch “Clerks 2” with your parents?

That guy’s being awfully forward with that donkey.

6.  Basic Instinct

Even though “Basic Instinct” is known for its eroticism, it was also a popular, mainstream, Oscar-nominated movie, which means there’s a chance it could find its way onto the family TV without anyone knowing what they’re getting into.  Sharon Stone’s character is a bisexual sexpot, and the entire movie is tryst after tryst.  Plus there’s the infamous scene where she uncrosses and crosses her legs while being interrogated, giving the cops a show of the key piece of clothing she’s not wearing.

What are you gonna do? Charge me with smoking?

5.  Requiem for a Dream

This is an all-around disturbing movie, the kind of thing that sticks with you for hours–days, even–after you’ve turned it off.  Although all of the film’s characters suffer gradual demises as the plot proceeds, Jennifer Connelley’s character dropping to particularly objectifying depths to feed her heroin habit.  If you’ve seen it, all we have to say is “ass to ass.”

I love you, Harry. You make me feel like a person. Like I’m me… and I’m beautiful.

4.  Bruno

Not only are there extended scenes in real-life swinger’s parties and an elaborate gay BDSM scenario gone wrong, but there’s a close-up of a talking urethra.  ‘Nuff said.

Look at the four of us; we are so like the Sex in the City girls!

3.  Boogie Nights

This entire movie is pretty damn uncomfortable to watch with your parents, but Mark Wahlberg uncoiling his prosthetic member and telling himself he’s a superstar is the icing on the cake.

I am a star. I’m a star, I’m a star, I’m a star. I am a big, bright, shining star. That’s right.

2.  Eyes Wide Shut

Kubrick’s final film gets mixed reviews from critics, but one thing’s for sure:  it’s absolutely dripping with sex.  The marital and monogamy conflicts between Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise would be sufficient, but add in Tom’s solo adventures, especially to the now-famous masquerade orgy, and you’ve got a recipe for complete parental awkwardness.  Fidelio?

That’s correct, sir! That is the password… for admittance. But may I ask, what is the password… for the house?

1.  The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

“The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” gets the number one spot on our list for its infamous rape scene.  It’s also perhaps the film with the greatest risk of accidentally watching it with your parents because it’s a great story with a wildly popular book series behind it.  Even though the scene is only a small portion of the movie, it’s incredibly graphic and painful to watch, and Lisbeth’s later retaliation–although something you root for when you watch it–is almost as icky.  Bonus uncomfortable points awarded for the father/daughter and sibling rape, as well as Henrik Vanger’s dungeon antics.

Salander never forgets an injustice, and by nature she was anything but forgiving.

Honorable mentions: 

“Secretary,” because the entire thing is about the S&M relationship between a girl and her older boss, and “Wild Things,” because of the threesome scene and Kevin Bacon’s junk in the shower.  Of course, no one really watched “Wild Things” who wasn’t aware of these things, did they?

Bottom line:  the next time someone says that they don’t care about privacy because they have nothing to hide, ask them how they’d feel watching any of these flicks on our list with their parents.  Privacy gives us protection from things like social awkwardness, and it has its place no matter how open you think you are!